I won’t try and sound all inspirational because I am not, I am just a girl who decided that she wanted more…she wanted to be free!
I wanted to share this moment with you, in the hope that it might help just one person feel that there is hope. No matter how hopeless you may feel there is a way!
I came to a massive realisation today, and that is that there is no longer anything to be afraid off, in recovering from an eating disorder it can be hard to let go. It is a very hard internal battle that takes so much courage and strength to fight every day, no matter how impossible it may seem, know you are not alone. Letting go of the last parts of your eating disorder can be the hardest to let go of the clutch, the label, but nothing terrible will happen!
Sure mistakes were made; I made them often, thoughts control my behaviour and I took a few steps back but looking back I would not change any of it…not the hours spent screaming or the first time I eat out at a restaurant again. Want to know why?
Because all of it the good, the bad and the ugly has made me who I am today…I am not perfect but no one is, I am grateful for the small things and the strength from within to not give in! I had an eating disorder, and for so many years that was the only identity and life, I ever knew.
Who am I without it?
I know this is a question asked by many, but you are so much more than your disorder, it does not define you, that number on the scale means nothing, it does not define you nor should it determine your happiness!
You probably think she can talk, but didn’t she feel anything when she saw the scale go up? I would be lying if I told you, that I didn’t let it rule me. Telling myself not to exceed a certain number, that I would be less worthy or couldn’t be happy being heavier. When in reality that’s the disorder trying to find a way back in!
It has taken me the best part of four years to get to where I am now, and funnily enough, I am still gaining!
However, that’s ok it is not a race, there is no time constraint you have to do it your way, there is no right way! I could look back at my journey and regret how long it’s taken, but what purpose would that serve, it takes as long as it takes. You learn the most through mistakes and experiencing all the non-numerical victories along the way.
Today I can see the joy in everyday life; I can think, walk, talk…all the things that many take for granted. I feed myself yes with X amount of calories, and I weigh X amount more but what truly matters is how you feel!
Going out and socialise, eating out without fear, going to London, Berlin and all these fantastic places alone with no fear! Gaining weight was scary, but it has been the most significant achievement to date setting myself free from the PAST!
Let it go…the longer you hold on the more time you lose trying to find who you are, who you want to be. There is so much to see and do that I think maybe sometimes we could all take a moment to put a number into perspective!
Should it determine your happiness?
From my experience, It should not.
If you have stuck around through this little ramble then thank you, and I just want to leave you with this….what are you grateful for in your life?