I don’t know how to write this; ever since I went to an endocrinologist the past week (7 weeks ago) I have been in two minds about what to do! Which has been on my mind a lot, its something I don’t know quite how to talk about or who to talk to about it. So I thought the only person I can talk to is myself but having all those thoughts going around in my head is not getting me anywhere, hence the splurge onto paper to try to make some sense of it all. The recent visit was regarding a deeper issue a side effect of my eating disorder that no one knows about, and maybe something that doesn’t get talked about enough.
Through my eating disorder due to malnutrition bone health and hormonal health took a plummet, but from the outside, you can’t see or tell even when you are in the mist of the illness you can’t see inside your body to know the effects. The lack of hormones is something that happens to people not just with eating disorders but in the fitness circle, by staying too lean or being in a stressed state. Personally, when people talk about period pains or complain about it I have no idea what they are talking about with only having a few in a lifetime it is something people take for granted.
It is not the only issue, that is concerning it’s more the fact that being given synthetic replacements to kick start things is something I am incredibly resistant too. Is this due to not wanting to let go of my illness or is it truly because I just want it to happen naturally?
Part of me think’s its hard just to let it all go, I was not in the best place mentally going into that appointment which didn’t help when they told me I had gained weight. Knowing this anyway as that was the intention of the gaining phase but to not be prepared for that knocked me for six….I suddenly felt overwhelmed with guilt and self-hate. I probably will never post this as I don’t want to appear negative or anything like that but to lie to myself that some days it still is hard. Some days it can be the hardest thing to look at yourself and see how far you have come yet how challenging that can be to notice the changes.
I don’t know where I am going with this I just need to explore these feelings and hope that it’s just a little phase, isn’t just a hormone factor it’s also related to low muscle mass because of wastage. I love my gym and the empowering feeling I get from being there but to be told that your muscle mass is below standard levels is hard…will it stop me from trying to be the best I can be?
No, but for a minute there it did make me feel well what is the point?
Don’t worry that did not last very long…because of course there is a point no matter how bad things are or where you are starting from you can make your situation that little bit better. If it takes longer to get there so what, it’s your journey, your life, it does not matter in the slightest how long it takes to reach your goals.
Focus on what you can control, be damn proud of how far you have come and only compare yourself to where you used to me!